omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
