at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
