Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
