yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize