I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
