oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
