My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
