I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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