My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
