i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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