I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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