I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
