I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
