Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize