your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize