Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize