Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
