Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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