if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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