Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
