if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
