Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
