drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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