We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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