I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize