I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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