My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
