I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
