i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
sarcasm needs its own font
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
