mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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