i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Alive.
So much puke
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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