Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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