Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
