Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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