Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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