I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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