i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
