Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
