You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
