the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there was a trapeze. enough said
you didnt know i had herpes?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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