this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
