ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
