sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
