dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
