Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
