You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize