it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
