I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
