I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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