just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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