Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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