I'm gonna have a badass scar
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
