Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
