im drinking this country out of the recession.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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