just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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