please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize