i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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