The maid of honor just puked.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
