I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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